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How relationships cultivate Who I Want To Be. I have this thing consistently happen in romantic relationships about 10 months in…

I find myself doing a full inventory of if my partner is helping me become who I want to be.

What am I training myself to do in this connection? What beliefs am I supporting or forming in myself through this connection?

I guess I’m often doing this throughout a relationship, but the 10 month mark is where I get the itch to make decisions about if I’ll continue or not.

I’m in this moment with my current partner…appreciating how our relationship is helping me become more open to communicating my feelings honestly, owning my needs as non negotiable (and sometimes uncompromising), push myself to communicate before things are at red alert stage, feel how big and all encompassing love can be, and I see myself as more attractive and smart because of his affirmation. However, I’m definitely learning and practicing some other things that I’m unsure of- sitting with feelings of deep missing for weeks at a time, practicing relying (almost exclusively) on non-romantic connections for support through big changes, and something around extreme letting go of possessiveness of another, which almost reads like a letting go of preferences in my system.

I think those latter things are noble. But I’m wondering…are they noble for me?

I’m reading a book right now that says something about it being somewhat easy to slip into living a life that would be noble but it’s based on someone else’s dream or ideas. And it’s important to connect with your dreams, unique ideas, purpose…

When and how do you tend to take inventory of a relationship? How do your relationships support you?

Also open to what shadows you see in my frame 👀

On Things I Loved That I Dropped. In a workshop I attended several days ago, everyone ended up sharing, one-by-one, about their experience or relationship with the subject of God (with a capital G). When it was my turn, I described being very young, with no training around religion or God, experiencing a very personal relationship with a God that cared about me and that was the still point at which all the chaos in my young life (and in the whole world) made sense. From this, I rested on a belief that somewhere beyond my understanding, life made sense. In many ways, this relationship not only comforted me but actually saved me.

Later, in college, I was exposed to traditional Christianity and took all the traditional teachings and trappings of it on as my own. I was a devout believer and I ended up leading the bible studies, not because of my expertise, but because of my earnest belief. And then, I began to find things about this Christianity I had learned, that I could not make sense of. As the questioning grew into serious doubt, I found I could no longer believe what I couldn’t believe. Through tears, I formally broke up with the very personal God of my youth, still vibrant in my experience, because I falsely believed that I could not have my real experiential God if I could not believe in the teachings that were associated with him. It has taken my years to begin to reclaim my God (different now, much more expansive, but still experientially real), leaving behind what no longer feels integral.

There are other things that I have loved and left behind based on trappings associated with it rather than on the essence of the thing (reading fiction, singing and playing the guitar, for example). As I move toward more integration in my life, I find myself rediscovering some of those things I loved from my past. They are not the same, having been laid aside for decades, yet rediscovering them is bringing my joy.

Do you have things that you loved that you dropped because of the trappings?

More People Should Die. Elderly people should be able to legally choose to end their life when they’re ready. In fact, any adult should be legally allowed to choose to die. They should be able to invite people, be present for their memorial service, and have a medical professional end their life.

And we should be more present with death in society. People should be able to attend their loved ones’ cremations. Embalming should be illegal.